Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Review

The biggest movie of 2009 – if the hundreds of screaming fans in plush seats all around me are any indication – is about to begin.

It smells like a blockbuster: the popcorn is crisp, fresh, and oh-so-tantilisingly buttery.

It sounds like a blockbuster: the aisles are packed with the stampede of dozens of annoying, adolescent feet; the theatre is packed with the drone of fanatical chatter; and the seat next to me is occupied by an over-zealous Autobot extremist.

But is it a blockbuster? Well, I’m about to find out.

I’m thinking technically yes, as the opening credits roll. Yes, because Steven Spielberg is listed as Executive Producer, and I’m stumped to find a project Spielberg has ever fucked up. I mean, isn’t he the golden man of cinema or some shit like that?

The technically part comes in under a category I perhaps should have mentioned at the very beginning: I’m not a Transformers fan, not even a little bit. Sure, I can appreciate the dazzle of the pretty-pretty effects, courtesy of Industrial Light and Magic; the comedic relief of the Witwicky parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White) and Mojo the dog (who has accumulated a submissive friend since the first film).

What I don’t/can’t appreciate is the ridiculously corny dialogue, Shia LaBeouf’s dreadfully irritating presence, and Megan Fox’s apparent role as the oiled-up, half-naked female meat wagon. Oh, and I can’t not mention the pointless ten-minute fight sequence between Optimus Prime and Megatron that could have been reduced to a thirty-second skirmish, if only Optimus had remembered he had awesome, orange glowing claws that can cut through anything before he was on the verge of losing.

I apologise in advance (well, maybe not exactly in advance, since I’m technically mid-rant here) to all those Transformers fans out there, who I’m sure thought this follow-up to the 2007 blockbuster was beyond fantastic, and the best thing they’ve seen this year. I just don’t get the series as a whole, and I’m sure that’s at least part of why I have such a problem with this film. Well, that, and the complete and utter lack of any half-decent eye candy, which makes it even more painful for this reviewer to sit through a 140-odd-minute film with a laughable plot.

This is the part where all you red-blooded women out there ask the all-important question: But isn’t Fergie’s hunky hubby, Josh Duhamel, in this movie? The answer in short, is yes; Duhamel does reprise his role as the stereotypical soldier Major Lennox, however, I’m left a little disappointed with his part in the film.

I mean, there’s no denying Josh Duhamel is a spunk rat – his years as the suave Danny on the television series Las Vegas have proved that; and yes, he looks good in Revenge of the Fallen, all lathered up in sweat and grime as he is. But he’s severely under-used.

Duhamel’s crowning glory in the film is running around with an over-sized gun looking a bit of a douchebag and faux crying over the ‘death’ of a big, shiny, robot-alien dude.

Now, Australia’s own Isabel Lucas, on the other hand, breathes some much-needed life into a franchise that seems to be all about packing as much silliness, firepower and toilet humour into a two-and-something hour space of time as possible.

I’m not just harping on the Australian factor (though that does help). I honestly believe that Lucas does a bang-up job in her portrayal of a regulation college hottie who tries to seduce bumbling hero-boy, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf).

Of course, there’s more to Lucas’ Alice than ‘meets the eye,’ but I’m not going to elaborate on that – you’ll just have to see the film. Let’s just say that if I were a lesbian, Lucas would be a bigger draw card for me than grease hussy Megan Fox.

Pity she only has about seven minutes of screen time in total before she’s toast.

As for Fox and LaBeouf, well… there’s not really much I can say. Their respective performances sort of speak for themselves.

In short, Revenge of the Fallen is a blockbuster film. It has enough of the glitz and the glamour, the big name producers, directors and stars, and a fan base of the global economy’s highest hopes – teenagers, the true weapons of mass consumption. I think I can safely say that Transformers will be one of the year’s highest grossing films, if not the highest.

The movie is a two-and-a-half hour roller coaster ride of stunning special effects, cheesy character interaction and greased-up, hot bodies of young Hollywood’s cream of the crop. Cinematic sugar, I think one reviewer said.

I couldn’t agree more. I left Transformers 2 with a massive pain in my jaw that had absolutely nothing to do with the choc-top ice-cream I consumed while watching it.

It was from the cringing. Cinematic sugar, indeed.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is in cinemas across Australia now.