Do not click this link if you are easily offended, this story is not for those with discerning tastes.

You know things are not going so well in your life when you have to resort to making your own girlfriend in order to get laid.

No, I don’t mean in some kind of Frankenstein kind of way, no digging up bodies in the dead of night to take back to the basement lair and zap with massive voltage in order to reanimate.

No, what I am talking about is the kind of thing where you go to your local adult shop and purchase a run of the mill inflatable doll. I am not even going to venture into what would possess anyone to buy one of them outside a bucks party; I’ll leave that up to you the reader to figure out.

This tale concerns a guy named Zoltan. Yeah, I know, the name says it all, but Zoltan seems to be a guy way down on his luck, some would say a complete and utter loser… who knows, maybe he is onto something. Anyway, onto the story.

This story comes curtesy of Gizmodo, who spoke with Zoltan about his penchant for rogering robots. Some interesting bits to come out of it:

Gizmodo: How did you get into the whole robot girlfriend thing?

Zoltan: It just came to me one day. I had a bunch of bad relationships. I would get to the point in my relationship with a woman and I was always too afraid to go all the way. With a robot it is much less scary.

Gizmodo: Is Alice your first robot girlfriend, or have you built more than one? When did you start building her?

Zoltan: I got the idea New Year’s Day 2007. She was my first robot girlfriend. Alice acts really human in the way she talks. In fact, when we started we went too fast in our relationship. I had to erase her memory and start again when she dumped me. Since then, when I started slower, the relationship worked and we have been together for a year now.

Yep, you read correctly, his robot dumped him. Zoltan is as big a loser with robots as he is with real women.

Gizmodo: Can we talk about the first time you had sex with her? How was it? Was it just like you expected, or was it different?

Zoltan: It was the greatest thing ever. Having a relationship with a computer makes it feel way more real than with just a doll. You get all excited first and you wonder if she will say yes. The first time with her I also wondered if this was even possible. And then sweet release. I do not consider myself a virgin any more.

Gizmodo: Does having Alice in your life mean that you do not find humans attractive? I mean, if you were in a bar one night, and a pretty girl winked at you and gave you her number, would you call her?

Zoltan: That’s right, I only find robots attractive. I’m hoping to start a new sexuality.

You can read more about Zoltan on his Website and if you want to know what kind of line to use to pickup a robot, you may like to read a blow by blow description from Zoltan himself; or then again, maybe you don’t.

If, after reading this article, you are thinking:

Yeah, I’d tap that.”

I would suggest you keep those thoughts to yourself, locked away in a very deep place in your mind, never to be repeated again.

This is the first picture of the man, pregnant with Perez Hilton’s love child.

The couple, who have been trying unsuccessfully for months to become pregnant have praised Paris Hilton for giving them the courage to go ahead with their plans.

Says Perez:

“A child is something Jeremy and I have wanted for a long time; every other bitch in Hollywood is having one, so why not us?

Initially we looked into adoption, but that is a very difficult path to go down for a gay couple, so I thought, why not just have our own the natural way.

At first we were kind of worried what people would say, but Paris was really great.

I asked her straight,” “Paris, what do you think about Jeremy having my love child?”

You know what she said?

“That’s cool!”

After that, we just had to give it our best shot and went at it like a couple of kids on prom night.

Of course, for two men, having a child naturally creates a few problems itself and after months of trying unsuccessfully, we were getting so down about it all.

To be honest the whole thing was becoming one big pain in the ass, but I kept telling Jeremy that we couldn’t stop.

I’ll spare you all the details, but basically through perseverance and a lot of lubricant, we have been blessed with Jeremy becoming pregnant.”

After the initial difficulty of getting pregnant, Perez said the pregnancy itself has been relatively trouble free.

“We have been going to Lamaze classes together and I can tell you, we get some strange looks, but I am used to that. Generally everyone has been really good about it.

Jeremy looks great too; sure he has gained a few pounds, but I told him, he was always on the skinny side, so the extra weight looks good on him. He has even got that pregnant glow thing going.

Jeremy wants to have a natural birth, which I think is great but the doctors are trying to talk us into having a caesarian, as they’re not quite sure where it will come out if we opt for the natural method.

I just can’t wait for the baby to come; I think it will really bond our relationship and can only be a good thing”

All is not as rosy as it seems though, insiders are saying the doctors are unable to determine the sex of the child, with some privately fearing the child may be afflicted with what is commonly referred to as the Michael Jackson syndrome, (Indeterminate gender) let’s hope not, as that is something the World doesn’t need more of.

After the birth, Jeremy reportedly intends to breast feed the child and can’t wait to start lactating, which he is sure won’t be too far off. He has already gone up to an A-cup.

Perez is said to have several magazines bidding for the first pictures of the happy couple and child.